Infertility negativity

I am sick and tired of the way infertility is affecting me and how I feel. I’ve learnt to stay positive for my own sanity and to protect those closest to me. But sometimes I reach I point where I feel there is no hope and it all seems so unfair. 

The reality of my secondary infertility is that it is making me always challenge my reactions and feelings. I can’t just feel and be pissed off and cry and shout when the news of yet another friend is pregnant. The very sad fact is this is how I’m starting to feel. I’ve never wanted to become this person. I’ve constantly fought it. But today I have reached my tipping point, I can’t take this anymore. 

A phone call from my sister. A sister who knows I’ve been trying for my second child for nearly 5 years. A sister that knows I have tried IVF and that it failed. She is now pregnant with her second child “we are so surprised it happened so quickly” she said. Stunned. Happy. Sad. Pissed off. Angry. Any thought for me there? Have you heard of being tactful? Obviously not. 

I congratulated her, asked her how she was feeling blah blah blah and then just had to get off the phone and have a bloody good cry. How awful is that? How awful that I just can’t truly be happy for her? This secondary infertility is taking hold and making so many negative thoughts. I feel everything is laced with infertility negativity. 

Tomorrow will be another day. I must try harder to be the positive person I want to be.