3 more sleeps

I had the 2 embryos transferred last Saturday so I’m nearly at the end of the 2 ww. It hasn’t been that bad and I am grateful that I’ve actually got to this point. But I have been here before. 

Last time I didn’t get to test as the dreaded AF visited. 

Now here I am with only 3 more sleeps until I can test. I’ve actually been ok- kept busy, early nights and decent food. Today I’ve felt nauseous. This gives me hope. But I don’t want hope, I just want to know either way. You see hope makes me dream, makes me feel warm and excited for the future. I felt so much hope last time and for no reason. I was devasted. Told I should use donor eggs. Facing a future that I didn’t want to believe. 

This wait is tough. Only 3 more sleeps I keep telling myself. Night night all x

I’m so scared

At every step I’m so scared. I’m so scared of everything. I try not to be, I try to embrace each stage and see it for what it is. I try not to look to the future. I’m scared of that too. 

I’m scared of hope even though I want to be hopeful. I’m scared of the morning and what it may bring. You see it may be bad news. 

I had lovely news from the clinic this morning. Both my eggs were mature. Both my eggs have fertilised. I couldn’t have had better news. I’m scared of being happy. There’s still a very long way to go. 

 ðŸŽ¢ 

Just two

Egg collection ride complete and wasn’t too bad. 

From the 4 follicles we got two eggs. Two is better than none I think. 

Now it’s the waiting game again. Are those eggs good enough? Are they mature? Not feeling positive at all. This is not a fun ride. 

It’s dark and rainy

Well off we go. It’s still dark and it’s rainy. I’m wearing my favourite denim dress with mermaid sequin pockets. It’s so comfortable but makes me feel special. Chunky black cardigan, black Vans, bobble hat and of course my lucky knickers! 

We both feel like we are off on our holidays or I am coming to work with him. It’s all very weird. 

But I must not eat. I must not drink- anything! Husband is enjoying a coffee and some breakfast biscuits. I’m looking forward to a lovely cup of tea after egg collection. But look what’s in front of us- a food van with the word “BREAKFAST” covering the back of it. Noooo I’m hungry!!!

Gosh please let there be one good egg. 

Trigger! 

When I learnt to ride a horse at the age of 10 ish I was entered into a jimcana. Now I wasn’t particularly good at riding, or confident but I like to give these things a go! My assigned pony was called Trigger. Geee whizz did he go when the gun was fired! I’ve never forgotten him and never been on a horse 🐴 since. 

Scan day today. Husband came with me again, this time told me not to put any skiddies on the couch 🙄, so I whacked him with my knickers. Four decent follicles, strangely only on my left side. Weird but hey ho. Egg collection booked in for Wednesday morning so it was the last of my injections tonight. Last Menopur and Cetrotide. The all important trigger shot at 9.30 pm. That’s it, end of the injection ride. Got off it and feel ok- just. 

So now I wait my turn to join the egg collection rollercoaster ride. I’m still level. The clinic were excited for me and gave me positive vibes. 

Last time I cried when I came round. I’m hoping to laugh on Wednesday. Like I want to be in hysterics- seriously I do. I woke myself up laughing the other morning- it was a brilliant feeling. 

Treated myself to a new starry dressing gown (living the high life) and have asked the husband to pick up some M&S sandwiches tomorrow. I fancy beef and horseradish (sorry vegetarian and vegan peeps) but it’s the first one that popped into my head. 

I’m a bit scared that there will be no eggs. In fact I’m lying. Im really scared. Well only one way to find out. I think I better get on it 🎢. 

So they are working…a little

Yesterday was my first scan to see if I had grown any follicles. The husband came with me and looked very shocked that it was an internal scan. In his usual funny way he asked if I needed a hand taking my underwear off! It made me laugh and brought me back to normality- this was just what I needed. 

There were about 8 follicles. One was ready, measuring about 19mm. The others were a bit small.  It was decided three more days of stimming then scan again on Monday. 

I’m not really sure how I feel. I’m still quite level- not negative but not positive. 

Tonight after the injections I started to do the whole Google thing. It was actually quite good for me. There were many stories of good outcomes even though they had a small number of follicles. From what I can gather I’m a “poor responder”… typical I thought 🙄. But do you know what? All we need is just one perfect egg. Surely I must have one?! It’s not too much to ask for. C’mon little egg! Please be there!

I’ve been well looked after today too which helps. Started with a lie in until 9. Then I sorted the kitchen and put a slow cooker dinner on. Went for an hour long walk for some fresh air and rang my mum to update her. So many questions! Visited our local park where they were fundraising – love to support local charities. Made gingerbread with my little girl. Watched some tv and now I’m in bed drinking some milk and feel quite tired. 

Two more sleeps then back for another scan. Grow follicles grow! 🎢

I’m not sure now 

Is it working? I thought they were but I’m not so sure today. Argh I just don’t know anymore. I can’t sleep either. Really trying to look after myself but I can’t sleep and that is stressing me. 

Its day 5 of Menopur and also the day I start the Cetrotide. I’m worrying about all the injections- am I doing it right? What about the little bit left in the syringe? Will that make any difference? Have I  mixed them correctly? I suppose I will find out on Friday- first scan to see what’s happening inside. Husband was asking if I wanted him there- it’s up to you I replied. I’m feeling a little bit alone in this journey. That sounds really sad I know. 

Anyway here I am just wondering if all this medication is working and if I’m doing it right. Roll on Friday!  ðŸŽ¢ 

I can feel it working!

So third injection tonight. I’m sure I can feel it working. I’m not surprised considering the massive dose I’m on compared to others…yes I did it. I googled and looked at forum sites. I also read a comment about Menopur and it’s origin 😳. Then I of course stuck that in the Google too! Well I never, the answer is very weird indeed but as long as it works I’m not too concerned where it comes from 👵🏻💦.  I did screenshot it and send it to my closest friends in the know, which gave them ammunition to literally take the p#~%! (Sorry but just had to use it!). 

I don’t know what is up with me on this round. I keep thinking I’m going to forget to take my fertility medication. Am I just busy? Is my mind somewhere else to help me cope? Three days in and I haven’t forgotten as yet so all is good. 

A school mum friend invited me for coffee today. Weirdly she is the blogger who I sought advice from on how to set it up. She’s so lovely, she asked how the blogging was going but was savvy enough not to ask about the subject. I was really torn whether or not to tell her. I decided against it for now. Only my closest friends know. 

Anyway that’s all for today, off to sleep now to help my little body cope. Please let them be working. 

Here we go…

I’ve felt on edge most of the day which is very unlike me. I’ve been happy then a bit snappy then a bit low….ah I thought, the rollercoaster ride has begun already. I know why- my fertility meds start tonight (I’ve decided not to call them infertility meds anymore- sooo negative!). 

The husband is away so I’m having a weekend with just myself and my little girl. She is such good company and has made me laugh and (mostly) kept my mind on her. We have been out and about and  seen pregnant people and new born babies- my daughter pointed them out to me all day. I’m taking all these as positive signs. Please let them be positive. 

We return home, put our pjs on and it’s story time. All I can think  is that as soon as I’m finished I’m off downstairs to prepare my first injection. Yikes!

Now I know I’ve done this all before but I feel nervous. Reading and re-reading the instructions, checking the dose again and again. 

I lay it all out on the counter. This could change our lives I think. It really really could. Right concentrate I think just get on with it!

So it’s done, the first of many injections. I didn’t like it. Last time I had no problem, I was excited by it all, so positive and hopeful. I really didn’t doubt I wouldn’t get pregnant. But I didn’t and it really took the wind from my positive sails. 

Don’t get me wrong I’m not being negative just more realistic. I know the chances are low but there is still a chance. So here we go off on the rollercoaster 🎢!